When I got pregnant last July, I was very excited to become a mom. I read books, received lots of advice, and researched information. Being prepared is extremely important to me. It makes me feel as though I know what to expect and have control over the situation. Therefore, I felt as though having my baby was going to go as expected.
Boy, was I wrong. :)
Motherhood is NOTHING like I expected it to be. It is so much harder than I ever could have imagined. The best analogy I can come up with is this: many people know a lot about Jesus. They can quote the Scriptures and discuss theology at length. However, some of these same people do not truly KNOW Jesus. Knowing about someone and knowing someone are two very different things. I researched and knew a lot about birth and being a mom. Until I experienced it first hand, I did not truly know or understand what being a mom meant.
Titus is an amazing baby boy. Healthy. 9.6 lbs at birth. Growing well and gaining weight. Sleeps well. Not too fussy. I am thankful for all of these things!
Despite the joy he brings, I have still struggled emotionally. The hospital was a breeze. I had great nurses and doctors. They brought the baby in to feed and to show off to visitors. Otherwise, he spent his first days in the nursery. Bringing him home was uncharted territory. I probably got 1-2 hours of sleep the first night at home. Can he breathe? Is he ok? Did he just spit up? He's making noise... What does it mean? Thankfully, I was able to calm down and realize that he was (and still is) fine. :)
Titus was born a week before Mother's Day. My mother passed away the day after Mother's Day four years ago. The first week of Titus' life was one of vast emotions. I was excited, nervous, full of joy, sad,... You name it, I felt it. Then, the hormones kicked in. Everything made me cry! At times, I truly didn't know why I was crying.
Little did I expect that breastfeeding would prove to be my biggest hardship and frustration. I think of myself as a tough person. I am determined and I do not give up or quit things easily. Also, I am a rule follower. As a rule follower, I did everything just as the doctor's instructed me to do when breastfeeding. Yet, only a week into it, I developed mastitis. It was painful and I was put on antibiotics. I asked how to prevent it and even did extensive research on prevention. However, it has continued to be a struggle. I am currently on the verge of developing it again. In our antenatal class at the hospital, they said that many women quit breastfeeding after a short time. I now understand why. Completely. Even though four weeks seems short to many people, it has felt extremely long to me due to the following: feeding every 2-3 hours, having interrupted sleep every night, feeling exhausted and sick, etc.
My struggles with breastfeeding have also been paired with loneliness. This is the first time I have not gone into work. My work is now to stay at home and care for my sweet boy. Going from seeing 18+ students a day, talking to co-workers, and being around people from 7:45-5:15 to only seeing my husband and child is a major adjustment. I miss interacting with other people. The reality of me losing what I've known for the past four years is quite scary. In addition to that, some close friends are moving away from Dalat.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a social person. I love to talk! I also love to listen and have conversations with others. Growing up, my parents were always told that I was a good student, but talked too much in class. :) There's not many people to talk to these days, besides Titus. Since he cannot talk yet, it's pretty one-sided. Haha.
I guess I'd have to say I am dealing with a lot of loss. Loss of work. Loss of friends. Loss of routine and schedule. Loss of independence. Loss is rarely easy. It is difficult and makes me feel sad.
Despite all my struggles and hardships these past four weeks, I am so very thankful for my son. I am thankful for a godly, loving husband who supports me and is a fantastic father. God gave Titus to us and we will strive to raise him to be a godly man who has great integrity and character. And I need to keep remembering this: When I am weak, HE is strong!
