Thursday, December 3, 2015

It's a Lonely Road...

     All of my life I have worked, in some capacity. Growing up, work was simple tasks: making the bed, cleaning your room, dusting, etc. Extra curricular activities kept me busy throughout middle and high school. My paid jobs (in order) were: babysitting, camp cook, camp counselor, advancement/almuni office at Crown College, teaching Pre-K at Ames Christian School, and then teaching four years at Dalat. 

     For the first time in my life, I do not have to GO somewhere. My job is to stay home. Yes, taking care of a baby is work. Instead of planning lessons, I change diapers. I no longer stay at school late to grade papers. Now I sing "Old MacDonald Had a Farm" ten times a day to keep my baby happy. Taking care of Titus is so rewarding and just as draining as teaching. To those of you who work full time outside your home and then come home to your job as mom, you are amazing!

     Being a stay at home mom can be lonely, especially when living overseas. The expat community is not large. Connections and "friendships" I once had while working have been severed because I did not return to teach. While unintentional, it does not make things any easier. To understand a little better, I came up with an analogy. Life here is like living in a snow globe. It is a small, close knit community. We often refer to the community as a "bubble." After being inside the bubble for four years, I have now been removed. I am standing outside, staring into the snow globe. It feels as though I am no longer a part of the community. Instead, I am an onlooker.

     Work keeps people busy. Sometimes, extremely busy. I completely understand, as I once worked (outside my home) too. :) However, people often take for granted the short conversations they have with people in passing at work. I did not realize how important they were until I stopped teaching. 

     What also makes being a stay at home mom challenging overseas is the rapidly changing expat community. People come and go here often. To make a good friend takes time. It also takes effort. However, sometimes these things are lacking in an environment that is always changing.

     This is what I know: I am never alone. First, Jesus is always with me. When I start feeling down about friendships, or lack thereof, I need to remember that I am never alone. Next, I need to count it as "pure joy." I will admit, I have not been able to count this as joy very often. In James 1 it tells us to, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so you can be mature and complete, not lacking anything." 

     I will leave you with this: doing hard things is often not easy. However, hard things usually end up being the most rewarding things. Perhaps this mindset will allow me to "count it as joy" more often. :)

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

The Day My Son was Born

Every first time pregnant woman probably wonders what contractions will feel like. Is child birth as painful as it sounds? How many hours will it take? Can I handle the pain? 

I felt like a ticking time bomb. Yes, we had a due date and knew our precious boy would make his appearance somewhere around that time. However, I was so nervous. I had no idea what a contraction felt like and the element of surprise made me anxious. 

My due date came and went. Still no baby... My doctor decided that if I didn't go into labor by Thursday, April 30th, I would need to be induced. I trust my doctor and continued to trust that I could go into labor naturally before then. 

April 30th arrived and I still had zero signs of going into labor. So, my husband and I drove to the hospital at 7 a.m. to check in. By 8 a.m., my doctor came in and told me he was going to burst my water bag and make me go into labor. Upon bursting the water, he saw that my son had passed the meconium. In simpler terms, my son pooped inside me. To have him naturally would have been quite dangerous for him. If he would breathe in any of his poop, he could get quite ill. Therefore, my doctor informed me that I would need an emergency c-section. 

So there I was...laying in the hospital bed. I had been all geared up for quite a long day of labor and contractions. However, I was 1 cm dilated when being induced. The little boy wanted to stay in there as long as he could. :) 

Between 8 and 8:30 a.m. was quite eventful. I had nurses coming and going, asking me a LOT of questions. I was taken to the operating room and was given an epidural to numb the lower half of my body. 

I was in the c-section from 8:30-9:30. With this being my first child, I was excited to see the look on my husband's face when our son was born. But the hospital would not allow dad's to be in the operating room. With no glasses on to see, things were a blur all around me. I had to remain calm, as I was flooded with emotions. 

Being numb from the chest down is quite an interesting experience. I barely felt vibrations. It didn't hurt and I didn't feel any pressure. Thankfully, I couldn't see what they were doing. :) The nurses and doctors kept me calm by talking to me and patting my arm. 

At 9:01, I heard a really odd cry. I had never heard a baby cry quite like that before. It almost sounded like an animal noise. Ha! The very first thing the paediatrician said when she took him from my doctor was, "Wow, big head!" -- I should note he was born in Malaysia. Asian babies tend to be quite a bit smaller. My son weight 9.6 lbs at birth! :) --

The paediatrician held my son up to my face and took a few pictures of me with my son. Then, they took him away to clean him and show him to my husband. I was left in the operating room, without my son and without my husband. I was then in recovery for quite a while. It was at least 11 a.m. or after before I got to go back to my hospital room and see my family. 

We then had a wonderful day spending time with our new boy, and celebrating with family and many friends who came to visit. 

So there are still questions I cannot answer... I have no idea what a contraction feels like. I do not know what a natural birth looks or feels like.  Many people make plans of how the day should go... I decided not to and it was a good thing I didn't! I am very thankful for how everything turned out. My son was born happy, healthy, and a great sleeper. :)

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

The Journey Begins...

From a young age, I started babysitting. I loved (and still love) children. They are enthusiastic, full of life, and hilarious. Yes, there are tantrums, messes, etc. However, the negatives pale in comparison to the positives. 

When I got pregnant last July, I was very excited to become a mom. I read books, received lots of advice, and researched information. Being prepared is extremely important to me. It makes me feel as though I know what to expect and have control over the situation. Therefore, I felt as though having my baby was going to go as expected. 

Boy, was I wrong. :)  

Motherhood is NOTHING like I expected it to be. It is so much harder than I ever could have imagined. The best analogy I can come up with is this: many people know a lot about Jesus. They can quote the Scriptures and discuss theology at length. However, some of these same people do not truly KNOW Jesus. Knowing about someone and knowing someone are two very different things. I researched and knew a lot about birth and being a mom. Until I experienced it first hand, I did not truly know or understand what being a mom meant. 

Titus is an amazing baby boy. Healthy. 9.6 lbs at birth. Growing well and gaining weight. Sleeps well. Not too fussy. I am thankful for all of these things! 

Despite the joy he brings, I have still struggled emotionally. The hospital was a breeze. I had great nurses and doctors. They brought the baby in to feed and to show off to visitors. Otherwise, he spent his first days in the nursery. Bringing him home was uncharted territory. I probably got 1-2 hours of sleep the first night at home. Can he breathe? Is he ok? Did he just spit up? He's making noise... What does it mean? Thankfully, I was able to calm down and realize that he was (and still is) fine. :) 

Titus was born a week before Mother's Day. My mother passed away the day after Mother's Day four years ago. The first week of Titus' life was one of vast emotions. I was excited, nervous, full of joy, sad,... You name it, I felt it. Then, the hormones kicked in. Everything made me cry! At times, I truly didn't know why I was crying. 

Little did I expect that breastfeeding would prove to be my biggest hardship and frustration. I think of myself as a tough person. I am determined and I do not give up or quit things easily. Also, I am a rule follower. As a rule follower, I did everything just as the doctor's instructed me to do when breastfeeding. Yet, only a week into it, I developed mastitis. It was painful and I was put on antibiotics. I asked how to prevent it and even did extensive research on prevention. However, it has continued to be a struggle. I am currently on the verge of developing it again. In our antenatal class at the hospital, they said that many women quit breastfeeding after a short time. I now understand why. Completely. Even though four weeks seems short to many people, it has felt extremely long to me due to the following: feeding every 2-3 hours, having interrupted sleep every night, feeling exhausted and sick, etc. 

My struggles with breastfeeding have also been paired with loneliness. This is the first time I have not gone into work. My work is now to stay at home and care for my sweet boy. Going from seeing 18+ students a day, talking to co-workers, and being around people from 7:45-5:15 to only seeing my husband and child is a major adjustment. I miss interacting with other people. The reality of me losing what I've known for the past four years is quite scary. In addition to that, some close friends are moving away from Dalat. 

Anyone who knows me, knows that I am a social person. I love to talk! I also love to listen and have conversations with others. Growing up, my parents were always told that I was a good student, but talked too much in class. :)  There's not many people to talk to these days, besides Titus. Since he cannot talk yet, it's pretty one-sided. Haha.

I guess I'd have to say I am dealing with a lot of loss. Loss of work. Loss of friends. Loss of routine and schedule. Loss of independence. Loss is rarely easy. It is difficult and makes me feel sad. 

Despite all my struggles and hardships these past four weeks, I am so very thankful for my son. I am thankful for a godly, loving husband who supports me and is a fantastic father. God gave Titus to us and we will strive to raise him to be a godly man who has great integrity and character. And I need to keep remembering this: When I am weak, HE is strong!